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I just learned last week that both CHED and DOH wont be offering scholarships for medicine anymore to “make way” for the Doktor Para sa Bayan Act.
Guess I just blew my only chance to pursue med?
I wish I just followed my initial plan and didn’t get too emotional? I was so determined to pursue med this 2021, I enrolled in a review center and was so ready to take the March exam but I backed out and changed my plans. As if it wasn’t enough, I even had the audacity to take 5 units of Molecular Biology and Diagnostics.
A little backstory and another episode of “me making everything about me”, my father got into an accident last December which made him disabled (and impossible to go back abroad to support my studies.) It was Sunday and I was having my review class back then when it happened. I was usually locked up in my room to avoid distractions when I overheard noises outside and learned that there was someone who got into an accident few blocks away from our home and they said it was probably my father. Everything happened so fast! My mother told me and my sister to check if it was Papa. My sister got there first and when I saw her come back crying, I immediately ran back to our house, changed clothes and went to the hospital.
I was so busy with my review, I didn’t notice my phone was being blown with calls and messages from my boss and workmates. They knew my father got in an accident before me! Luckily, he was able to tell everyone in the ER I’m an employee that’s why he was given prompt attention.
I have never told anyone about this enough but it was a bit traumatizing for me. To be honest, literally few days before that day, when I was crossmatching and heard an ambulance, I had this random thought na “what if a relative of mine is in need of blood? ako talaga magc-crossmatch kahit na off duty ako” — it didn’t happen. I didn’t know what to do. I almost passed out when I saw the oozing blood out of my father’s leg. I had to get out of the ER to breathe but I had to compose myself because I’m the one who knows the process in our hospital and had to get things done as soon as possible. My father had a “direct OR”.
We were lucky because I am working in the Blood Bank and extra lucky because we have stocks at the time! We were able to release five units in a jiffy and it was tagged under his name until we were discharged. The nurses kept telling me we were lucky because there were blood units back then because my father lost lots of blood and probs wont make it if there’s none. If I remember correctly, three units were transfused while he’s in the OR.
From then, I wasn’t able to absorb whatever is being taught in the lectures. I just finished the review class for the sake of finishing it. Even now, just the thought of reviewing again takes me back to that day. The accident made what I was only fearing for before happen and instilled a whole new level of fear to me.
“What if the same thing or worse happens if I’m away?” We were fine because I am working in a hospital but it would be different if I am no longer working. This and my previous thoughts made me decide not to push through studying this 2021. I also thought diverting my attention to other career path is better. I took up Molecular Biology to satisfy my long overdue desire for it ever since college. But it didn’t last. I really want to be a doctor!
What if I didn’t let my emotions get through me and still pushed through my plan? What if instead of letting the fears and doubts consume me, I should’ve used it as my inspiration to get in to medschool?
What if I knew of these scholarships earlier and didn’t have to waste years waiting for validation of “my calling”? I should’ve been either in second or third year now had I not been this indecisive. Few years left and I was supposed to be done yet I’m still stuck in my what ifs and doubts.
On a lighter note, I wish I was born with another dream. I wish I was good at other things that didn’t have to be stuck here, frustrated because I may no longer fulfill my childhood dream.
Most importantly, I wish medical education is affordable or at least just as worth the salary we are getting after.
Medicine is for those with money and those with brains. There’s no place for people like me who’s in the middle and can barely maintain the average.
People seem to keep on asking if I still want to pursue medicine.
To be honest, I want to. But I don’t want my parents to pay for my studies anymore. Working myself made me realize earning money is no joke. We are not as well of as my parents try to provide us. Until now, I can’t believe how they were able to send me to school— not just any school but a private and one of the top medical technology schools in the country. (Yes, free promo) I’m so thankful to have been given the chance to experience studying without thinking of anything but acads.
Also, I have a younger sibling and a niece. I feel like I’m robbing them opportunities if I ever insist on having my parents make my dreams come true. All our money will be spent on me again. I don’t want that.
Parang ayoko na ulit mag-isa. That’s one of the reasons I always tell people. It’s true though. I can’t believe I was able to live alone for five years (MTLE review included). Being back here in our province makes it hard for me to even think of being away again for several years just to study. I just got back, imagine the days and moments I could’ve spent with my family if I’ll be away again… the thought alone makes me sad. With the recent events, I’m even more convinced to just stay. At least if I were to die, I’m with my family.
Can I handle all the info? Kaya ba ng megabyte brain ko ang terabyte info ng medskul? I’m scared I’d lose hope in the middle of being in it. This was what I realized when I reached the clinical year during undergrad years. The clinical subjects in medical technology were enough to overwhelm me, how much more sa medicine?
Lastly,
It’s hard being average. Too average to pass a scholarship with entry quota grades to maintain and too average earner to afford a regular medical school.
Must be nice to reach for your dreams without any problems, noh?
Anyways, if we’re lucky enough to survive this pandemic, I hope I get to chance upon an opportunity to realize this seemingly-impossible dream. #Hwaiting!
Dear future self,,,
That’s probably one of the Tumblr mainstream from years ago that I lowkey regret not doing.
Five years from now, I hope you finally achieve what you’re dreaming of.
I remember reading posts from other people with such hopeful words from their then present selves for their future selves.
Do you enjoy what you have now? Imagine, you were just dreaming of it years ago and now you’re here.
I probably might have written something that goes along those lines.
Must have been nice to read a letter from your younger self. I wonder what would I have written if I jumped into the mainstream? With my obnoxious big words to assert my then “lexical prowess”, I’m hundred percent sure I’m having a cringe fest right now.
On the contrary, it feels scary to be hit with the reality of how much your hopes for the future differ from the future. But I also wonder how it must have been to be able to differentiate your past, present and future point-of-views.
I never thought I’d regret something so trivial.
And because of that, I’m here writing for my future self.
DEAR FUTURE SELF,
I’m not sure what year you’ll be reading this but I hope that five years from now, you are different from what you are at present. I hope you’re finally able to find your purpose in life. I hope you’re able to get past all your inhibitions from doing better.
I hope five years is enough for you to find out what you truly wanted in life. And I hope life and time allowed you to do it.
Most importantly, I hope you finally realize that your existence matters. You were born with a purpose. You are not just a speck of dust.
To be honest, I’m not really sure what I meant by writing this letter. Was it because I wanted to validate your existence or I just wanted to rant about all the shit that’s happening around me and make this letter a proof that I was able to get through all of these if I get the chance to read this years from now? Probably the latter.
Nonetheless, everything we do and everything we own will eventually become artifacts in the future. This could also be one of the things the future could retrieve. I’m writing without a specific point. I’m sure this would sound like a diary entry. A Diary of A Young Healthcare Worker, am I getting copyrighted for that title?
///
You see, if I’ve written something like this five years ago when I was still a hopeful undergraduate dreaming of becoming a medical technologist… I would never imagine my current situation. Being in a pandemic as a fresh and young professional; idk, it feels unfair to me.
Did I really burn the midnight oil to become a sacrificial lamb?
Did I have to go through countless breakdown alone just to helplessly beat an invisible bug without any armor?
Did my parents really spent hundreds of thousands for my education just to become a slave of the health sector?
Was being called a modern day hero after dying because of a poor healthcare system worth it?
Was my life being at stake on a daily worth the struggle?
It took me long to finally own up being a “frontliner”. During the early part of the pandemic, I was never truly able to accept the title. It felt like an insult to those who are really in the front line if I call myself that. I used to joke I was just a “loob-liner” because I was just inside the Blood Bank. Not really a part of a Swab Team nor any COVID19 Response Team unlike some of my batchmates. I was scared. I never had the guts to volunteer. I’m not a frontliner.
I always felt the need to ask validation from my friends. I always ask if it’s okay that I don’t feel like fighting for the country. I always ask if they still accept me even if I turn against my oath.
You see, I feel like working in a government hospital in the province isn’t an ideal start for a budding professional. I was exposed to the crooked healthcare system of the country at an early time. My ideals became just ideals. Everything I expected turned into just expectations. Everything I learned in the four corners of the classroom turned into just theories. Maybe my workmates were right, I should’ve went to work in diagnostic clinics first before working in a hospital.
I was exploited as a starting professional. My four years in Medical Technology school didn’t prepare me for this.
Putting my cowardice aside, I feel like my current situation is the reason why I’m so afraid of fighting for the country. My hopeful undergrad self would have rolled her eyes on me if she’d see me right now. But then again, fighting for the country when the country doesn’t care for you is easier said than done.
I’m currently a job order employee. No hazard pay until the pandemic. No night differential even though we are full on 16 to 24 hours duties. My employer doesn’t pay for my PhilHealth nor SSS. We even have to beg for our employer to give us personal protective equipments. Our salary doesn’t have a fixed date of release. We should be thankful should it be released a week after the month of service. It’s normally delayed as long as three months before the pandemic happened.
I was never bothered by the virus because “I only work in the blood bank” no biggie… not until the hospital I work at became the ground zero in my province. No one told us. We only knew someone who should be classified as “probable” first was admitted in our hospital through social media and it was when the patient was already classified as “confirmed”. The local government likes to conceal confirmed cases. I don’t know what good will it bring to everyone though.
I originally never wanted to practice this profession, self. You know because of my internship trauma as well as my infamous phobia with needles. Just as when I was able to overcome it, this pandemic happened. I have never been so scared to go to work. It doesn’t really show on the outside but I’m really scared. Scared that everything that my parents worked so hard for would be put to waste once I contract the virus at work. Not just that, I might bring it with me at home… putting other people at stake.
It scary how there’s no assurance for my future at the moment. I was just starting!!! I was only working for a year! I was only eight months through with my St. Peter plan. I have yet to get life insurance plans for myself and my family.
I am now questioning myself for choosing my convenience over a better employer. Should I have endured being away from my family for a better employment? Had I known a pandemic would be a battle of who’s the better employer, I would’ve set aside my internship trauma for a better employer. The thought makes me sick though.
It’s scary how I am almost nonchalant about dying. I have reached this point that I don’t bother thinking about my future anymore. This is actually the first time I thought of the future in weeks. It’s scary how I always agonize about how we would die because we will one way or another. It’s only a matter of time until the system kills us before the virus can.
I’m frustrated because I only go to work for the sake of salary. But I also swear, I do things with integrity. That’s the least I can do. Due to the community quarantine, we are quite financially struggling. My mother being a government employee and my father, an overseas filipino worker plus me being a “government worker” as well automatically voided us of any financial help from the government. It’s fine for me because there are people who need it more than us but my blood boils whenever I see news of those being robbed of this help because of local officials’ greed. Do we deserve this?
Pro Deo et Patria.
For God and Country.
I used to use this as my email signature as well as work mantra.
Is it still worth it?
I don’t know who’s the real enemy anymore. The pandemic has exposed how broken our system and government is that we, the minority in government service has been seeing on a daily even before the pandemic made the exposé.
Are we going to get through this?
Am I still going to read this letter few years from now?
I’m tired.
Everyone’s tired.
The world is so crazy right now.
Fighting for life, I was a COVID19 Warrior.
Five years from now,
Was everything worth it, future self? Did I make it?
Did we make it?
I’ve seen several patients being coded during internship… it was a painful sight indeed but seeing a patient in a public hospital helplessly die without the same medical care as those I’ve seen as an intern was 10x worse.
I was walking back to my station after chasing a relative who left before I could give her the clearance she needed to discharge her patient when I walked past the Medical Ward where there’s a commotion; a patient apparently is having arrest. I stood still, thinking “This is real life. I am not watching some medical drama”. I stood there doing nothing because 1) I don’t have the authority 2) I don’t know what to do. It pains me how even after coming in terms with the reality, I still defeatedly question and bawl how unfair it is that even in the last few minutes of your life, you can still feel your social class and leave the Earth as your social class. It’s unfair how despite the advent of medical technology and several advancements in the field of medicine, only a small fraction of the human race can fully benefit from it. It angers me even more how some healthcare professionals can even lower their standard of practice just because this is a public hospital. How can you possibly resuscitate a patient with one fist??? Really??? Did that nurse even undergone a Basic Life Support Training??? As someone who took the training myself, I can’t believe with what I just saw!!! It’s as if they just left him as is and the resuscitation was only done as a form of formality. Do we really have to come to this point when we are already working long enough???
It’s sad that I had to turn and move back to my station with the thoughts of the man who lied helplessly along the Medical Ward alley, not even in a hospital room and a proper hospital bed but a cot along the hallway, his right hand I couldn’t forget clutching his shirt on his chest has now left us and joined our Creator.
Right now, I’m back in my station writing this very blog post… wondering when will the Philippine Healthcare System would ever improve and finally cater those who can’t afford quality medical services you can probably only acquire in private hospitals at present. I hope time will come that the government would finally realize just how important healthcare is above all for them to invest more into it than focusing on some shit poor-oppressing battle you call “drug war”. Praying that the government would finally hear the cries of poorly-compensated health care workers so that we can restore and establish a proper and efficient healthcare worker to patient ratio… so that healthcare workers would never have to leave the country in order to sustain their lives. I believe in the saying “if oras na nila, oras na nila” but I also want to believe that if only the patient would be given the proper medical care his condition requires, then what we thought “it’s their time” could be not yet their time. I sound really hopeful, maybe ludicrously ambitious even but I really do think it’s possible.
For now, I’ll just do my thing and pour my all whenever I perform my tasks. Not even faltering with the fact that “I’m only working in a public facility”… that’s more of a reason for me to provide the best that I could, the least that I could offer to the people who receive the least in this field… even if I (over)do it by the book or by JCI standards (to the very best that I know of) as how my alma mater and internship trained me to be. Not ever giving in to “pwede na yan”.
// This, is one of the many reasons why I doubt if I ever were meant to even become a doctor. I’m such a weak-hearted, idealistic, almost delusional and opinionated myself. Hayyy Lord, is this really the field you wanted me in?
I went to Recto today, at Raon specifically because my mom asked me to buy some gymnastics stuff for the Camarines Norte Gymnastics Delegation for Palarong Bicol. I almost went through every street and alleys of Raon but I didn’t find what I ought to find. While wandering to the vast, I came across with street children. I always get to come across with street children but this time, it was different – it was a ten year-old boy with a baby. I really have a soft and fragile heart with babies (and people) especially if they’re at odds with the goodness of life. I asked the boy if the baby had her lunch already and he said no. I don’t have enough money to feed them with a full-load meal so I just bought them each a burger. While the two were eating, I asked the boy where was their mother. He said, “nangangalakal po”. I don’t know what really his mom’s doing because for me, nangangalakal gives a lot of connotation (for someone who has a wide imagination) I just shrugged the bad thoughts and gave my sincerest sympathy to them. My eyes were really throbbing to shed tears but I don’t want people to see me so fragile, especially that Recto is such a big place where people of different types cradle. And I’m afraid bad guys will take advantage of that.
What I hate about myself is that, I doubted the boy’s claim about his sister not having her lunch yet and thought that he’s just using her sister to ask for mercy and alms. And while waiting for the burger to get cooked, there are some street children hovering around and doing some business with other street children. Some of them cuss a lot more and worse than I do while some of them bullies another street children. I just hate the fact that poverty stained the supposedly innocent image of children and hate it even more that I cannot do anything to cure this sickness aside from giving away some cheap burgers, if that makes sense.
I, as an advocate of straightening the crooked future of children lost in this wild generation, also feels that I am not an ideal advocate because I have a fragile heart. I think I am not an ideal advocate because I can see the loopholes and ends of the hopes of saving them. As an advocate, I was supposed to be firm that what I’m vying for will come to its fulfilment. But having to come across with these children today, I think I’m losing hope. They are getting worse as the days pass by and not even a single head in the government cares. And not even a single citizen other than advocates gives a damn.
Having Juvenile Imprisonment as my (baby) thesis problem made me realize one thing; juvenile delinquents will make the worst criminals. Imagine these innocent children, who tug your dress to ask for a peso, will someday, break into your houses or even in biggest banks. Might murder your loved ones or head the biggest syndicate in the country. My friends were very much aware of this that for me, the biggest challenge that the youth and the society faces today is to prove what Dr. Jose Rizal said that the youth are the hopes of the future. And by mere looking at these children, we already know what kind of struggle the challenge would take.
So people, when are we gonna make our move? when they grow into perfect recidivists? when these supposedly hopes of the future become the worst nightmare of the past, present and future?
Right now, I’m alone in this room. My other roomie, Ate Ross is on her duty and my other roomie, which I know you guys were well-acquainted to, Michelle, has left already.
I know I should be happy because I’m alone and I love being alone but why I am like this; sad and forlorn. Why am I feeling like the world has turned its back on me? She’s just a roommate but why is it such a big deal?
Maybe because of what I’ve found out.
At first, she told me she’ll move to Kamuning to live with her cousins. Well, of course, I could not do anything about it. It’s her relatives and I’m just … well I’m just a stranger whom she shared a room with for 4 months. Right before I went home for sembreak, I already told myself to be prepared for the possibility that I wont be seeing a Michelle when I get back here. But I was so stupid that I kept on hoping that she’ll tell her parents that she wants to stay here with me. That the 25% chance of staying here will win over. I thought we will be able to accomplish what we’ve planned to do for this room. But when I came back here, her closet was empty and everything that has her DNA on was removed. She’s gone.
Yesterday, she dropped by here to fetch things she left. We had a quick talk and there I found out that she didn’t really moved to Kamuning. She moved to a dorm few walks behind our school. And what hurt me more is, she moved there to live with her blockmate friends.
I feel so offended. I have no rights to feel this but I feel betrayed. I know I have never been the best friend or roommate to her but goddamnit! am I not enough? Doesn’t she like my company? Were my efforts of trying to be good to her not enough? Well maybe she never really liked my company. I’m an OC person. I am boring. I am no fun to be with. I am so focused with books and studies. I hold high standards and principles. I’m a warfreak. I can’t blame her. Who would’ve love to live with someone like me right? I should have known.
Now I feel so wrecked. I feel so down and the silence of this room makes me bluer. It’s sad because I was there when no one knows her yet. I was there whenever she needs someone. I was there to cheer her nights before her TDT audition. I was there when she’s about to fail our prelim exam in Chemistry. I was there whenever she needed someone to buy a food with her during midnights. I was there to serve as a catalyst to her civilization. I never actually bothered to find friends last semester because I’m contented with her. I thought she’s the one I’m looking for but I was so wrong. Now, she’s gone. Part of me is gone now too.
This is the reason why I hate being attached with people. This is why being friendless is okay for me. This is why I am a complete wallflower. I’ve been through a series of being-left-behind and I’m tired. I. am. so. tired. Why can’t people stick with me? Why do they always have to leave me? And what hurts most is seeing people who left you so happy with their lives while you, you are so desolated and doomed.
If you happen to read this, I bet you wouldn’t care. You never really cared for me, do you? I know you’ll say it’s not your fault because I didn’t find my own friends. Of course! yes it’s not your fault. This is all my fault. I shouldn’t have allowed you to mean more than just a roomie to me. I shouldn’t have treated you as a friend. I should’ve just treated you as a plain roommate, an acquaintance. I treated you as one of my friends and friends for me were more like a family. It’s sad because you didn’t appreciate it.
I am miles away from home; I’m in a boarding school. I chose this kind of life. Well, it’s for a greener pasture. My parents, I love my parents so much. I am very thankful that they are my parents. They always give me what I want and what I need. They always support me in every endeavour I take. I love my parents so much. I always make sure they can feel it. Either by giving them good grades, being the best daughter they could have or being the sweetest thing. I love them so much.
It’s sad how my parents don’t even get bothered even if I don’t text or call them for a day or three. It’s sad because I feel so unloved. Don’t they get the anxiety I feel whenever they don’t answer my calls? Don’t they love me enough to ask me how’s school and how well I’m doing here, alone. I’m not demanding for a call, a single text would do. Don’t they know how much disappointment and sadness do I feel as I constantly wait for the time that my phone will vibrate and their message will be the one to pop out and not the group messages sent by my acquaintances? Don’t they know how much jealousy I feel whenever I see kids together with their moms or dads ride the same jeepney I ride on? Don’t they know how hard it is for a child to be away from the solace of her parents?
I am trying to be strong here, to be independent. But how can I be strong if my foundation fails me? How can I be strong if sadness will always conquer me. My life is in the province, you’re aware of that. My friends are not here to fill-up the gaps you were supposed to fill. I am all by myself here, it’s hard. It’s tearing me apart.
I love my parents so much. But sometimes, I am aching for my love to be equated. I know asking for something in return is not good but was it bad for a child to ask love from her parents? I know giving me everything I need shows your love for me but I don’t really need those things. I need to feel your loving arms again. Those arms that once served as my cradle … along with your lullabies that made me feel loved and safe when I was a baby.
December 08, 2014. I guess, each Trinitian, may it be a Freshman or a Senior, will have a sole connotation about this date’s representation. It seems as though that Halloween took its place earlier than as it was expected. December 08 … it’s more spooky than Friday the 13th because it’s the new start of Second Semester … yes, from January 5, it’s now shifted to December 08.
At first, I am mad … so mad that I came to the point where I regret that I chose to transfer in Trinity. So mad that I thought of transferring again to other school because shit is real in Trinity. So mad to the extent that I belittled Trinity and questioned the Board of Directors’ level of thinking because of their decision to change the Academic Calendar without considering the students’ sentiments first. Imagine, we’ve all been waiting for December to come because as what they’ve said during the orientation, the whole month of December will be our sembreak, they were all so proud and confident to introduce the revised Academic Calendar back then but … what the fuck just happened?
Okay let’s say you made a mistake, let’s say you “overlooked” at the calendar you made but you can’t just expect us to accept it easily because we students were all have been anticipating for this. We expected for a month-long sembreak, we’ve planned things to do in the sembreak you have told and given us then you’re just going to withdraw it a month before December? In the first place, we didn’t ask you for this one month sembreak; we didn’t ask you to change your calendar, to move the start of classes from June to July, just to say the school’s in sync with other famous universities in the country … isn’t it unfair for us, students that we are the ones who’ll shoulder the consequences of your misdemeanor? Firstly, you should have studied every single detail critically before you decided to revise your Academic Calendar then you’ll reason out that “we just noticed the mistake just this Monday, October 27, 2014 and for that we were very sorry” … bullshit! If TUA is a company, this “small mistake” might have caused a big disaster in the entire firm. You’ll say we are just your students and we are just under the administration but mind you, we are just your students but we are your major stockholders.
But the surge of anger I feel toward TUA thawed when my mom replied on my rants. I suddenly realized what is the purpose why I’m involved in this commotion. I suddenly realized why I am called Trinitian. I’m a part of Trinity University of Asia because I’m their student and as a student, I am compelled to study. Truth be told, I only went here in the city to study. So no matter what month school will start, I’m here to study. After realization hit me, shame vialed me as I envisage my Father who’s abroad, alone, spending everyday of his life and getting old without the solace of his family … who’s aching to go home and to stay here in the Philippines for good, but chooses to remain working across nations because I’m not yet finished with my studies while my Mother, on the other hand, spends hours of standing and teaching (talking with) over 70 students everyday just to support my daily financial needs plus the hardships she experiences in our house; doing household chores, her daughter, mother, lola and teacher duties all at the same time. They were both busy thinking how to have us survive life without cutting support in my studies while I … I’m just thinking about my prorogued vacation.
I would like to refute that the admin’s decision is unfair for the students. It’s not true that the admin and faculty will be the ones who will benefit most in this sudden change of Academic Calendar because of the alleged advantages of them for having more income (moneys) from the enrolment. Like what the professor in the Open Forum said, “what is unfair if you’re going to learn?”. It’s true that the admin disregarded two of the students’ (academic) rights as stated in the Magna Carta of Students; the Right to represent/ make a body in Policy Making and the Right to be Informed. But like what they’ve said in their rebuttal, it is not a practice of the school nor of any other universities to have students participate in the establishment of academic calendar because it’s an administrative matter and I attest that it is, definitely, outside the student concerns so the admin didn’t really show any neglect of this right. The latter, of course, was, without a doubt, the administration’s biggest dereliction. And a simple sorry wont really sanctify every students’ hatred and dismay-filled hearts.
But my fellow students, I would like to reiterate that this sudden change in our Academic Calendar isn’t unfair to us. We are students, we are not vacation-ists. We still have our semestral break and like other schools, it’s a two-week break. And traditionally speaking, sembreaks last for two weeks only. We are lucky enough because we still have sembreak. There are schools out there who doesn’t have any sembreak. If you’re saying that you’re in dire need of this #Decembreak because you need to have a break from studying, make sure first that you really are studying during (this) first semester and you’re not just depending on your seatmates or friends. I feel sorry for those working students who planned on spending December to work just to support their studies for the next semester and to those students who were supposed to go home in their fatherlands, like me, but chooses to stay because of school. I don’t aim to earn brownie-points here but if you don’t want to attend school on December 08 then don’t. End of the agony.
December 08, 2014. This no longer suggests horror to me just because this day is the start of second semester and the promised month-long vacation was taken away from me. This date, for me, represents the immolation of my ostensible chance of being with my family for at least a month after spending months without seeing them, away from the comfort of my home in exchange of schooling; in exchange of greener pasture.
I see no point in teaching monumental history during basic education years when the moment you reach college, you’ll be taught of critical history. It’s like we’re just wasting ten years of studying Philippines’ distorted history and having only four years to study the real history. Technically, it’s not really four years because you’ll only get to take Hist101 once. It should be in reverse … or better eradicate teaching monumental history and change it with the critical one because everyone’s not really entitled with the opportunity to continue studying in college … or even in highschool. I think it’s best that the youth will be taught with this kind of history during their early years in school so that even though some of them won’t be going to higher levels of schooling, they won’t be stuck in the belief that “men’s history” is Philippine History.
History was said to be a tool for understanding the present and for molding the future but how can an individual use this as a tool if it is distorted? What will happen to those who weren’t privileged to take Phil. History course? How can they even claim that they are Filipinos when they don’t even have any idea what History and Partisan Scholarship is? That they are clueless of “What are Filipinos Like?” That they aren’t aware that Andres Bonifacio is more deserving to be called our National Hero than Jose Rizal because Rizal is a capitalist and Bonifacio is a proletariat? That Emilio Aguinaldo’s the one who’s responsible for the fall of Bonifacio and what happened on June 12, 1898 was not really an Independence Day but a mere raising of Philippine Flag only?
There’s not much we can do to remedy it. But, I think there’s one way to alleviate this cut …
“Dear K12,
Yes, my friend, I am pertaining to you! You are the gauze! You are the tourniquet that can and that will mollify the bloodstream of this cut.”
I am just hoping that critical history will (somehow) be introduced gradually in K12 educational system.
End rant.
It’s pretty saddening to think and realize how Tumblr nowadays turned into:
- a porn site
- a fragmented horror movie
- a site used to loathe a blogger and his creations
- a place where flirting is everywhere
- a tool some people use to gather fame
- a spot where some fake and anonymous bloggers practices deception
- an extension of instagram for selfies
- a big and exposed inbox
- a stomping ground of messages filled with sad memories of the early generations of Tumblr, trying to preach today’s generation to think and realize what they’ve done to Tumblr today.
So instagram’s having its downtime at this moment and I have this feeling that it’s related with the OpenSSL controversy or the so-called heartbleed bug. I am fond of reading articles thanks to that habit, I am well-informed and I read the news about this encryption flaw. I’ve been reading articles concerning this for almost 3 nights now and I thought it was just a threat until tonight, some bloggers posted their reactions about Instagram’s misbehavior and I was cringing in horror because it’s true.
There’s no article/statement published yet telling what’s happening with IG now and I can’t wait to read ‘em. I’m panicking! Ohmygod! What if the exploiters target Tumblr next? Twitter? Facebook? Youtube? especially Yahoo which serves as an interconnection of every social networking sites we have? and other OpenSSL-based sites? Ugh let’s pray for it not to happen. So yeah, while waiting for further news, I think we should all read this and be aware of what’s happening. Please be guided accordingly! It’s for everyone’s safety.
Why are some things easier to write than to say?
I envy those girls who play guitar tremendously amazing. Especially those who have beautiful voices to accompany the melody of the guitar and produce their own kind of music. My parents enrolled me twice in Guitar Lessons but I learned nothing. I didn’t even memorized a single “how to place my finger in this chord and in that chord”.
I envy them because they can create music everywhere. Guitar is so portable and handy, you can bring them everytime and everywhere. Compared to piano where I ace with hahaha just kidding, I can’t place it inside my bag and I can’t bring it anywhere unless it’s an important event for me to play. I wish I learned better in playing guitar or rather, I wish the next invention will be a handy-piano hahahaha if that make sense.
I don’t know if this is rightful to talk about here but I just wanna share you guys that I keep on dreaming about zombies these fast few days and weeks and that’s one factor that hinders me to have a sleep. This is the reason why I am so not into movies because it just kind of stuck in my mind and play with my dreams every night, driving me crazy.
I watched World War Z last month I guess? but it keeps on playing with my dreams until now (late reaction huh). I am not dreaming about zombies consecutively, like 3 nights in a row. Zombies attack my dreams like 2 days each week and it’s pretty bothering because me and my family we’re the ones who’s under this zombie attacks, mobs and apocalypse. Last night, I dreamed about it again and the last scenes I remembered are we’re on a mall and there, the attack happened. Paulo Avelino was even present there, he’s the zombie who attacked us but I wasn’t infected bc I have colds which apparently, I really do have in reality (based on world war z, only healthy hosts will become zombie since I have colds, Paulo didn’t eat me) ugh this is crazy right. My Intro to Medtech professor, Mam Oida has presence in my dream too. She’s crazy-like there and she’s holding a syringe and we’re on a public comfort room and we’re hiding from the zombies in the cubicles and I hid in a cubicle with her but Idk firstly that she’s there and she keeps on telling me that I must inject the serum too so that I’ll be invisible in the eyes of zombies but she’s really creepy that I doubt her. Her eyes really scared the shit out of me. The next scene is at the cemetery - at the graveyard of my grandfather. We stayed there for a night and I dunno how the attack happened. I dunno how on Earth did my aunt’s house was placed beside the cemetery which in reality, a 5km ride away from my aunt’s house and there, we stayed there and there’s an attack but we managed to be quiet so that the zombies wont hear us. Thank God, the house was built with a surrounding metal grilles. The last thing I remember is that my mom keeps on insisting that she’ll haunt the zombies and will spend her night at the cemetery like WTF? SRSLY? and there, I woke up.
It’s pretty much analogous to a nightmare because I was like shaking and I want to move my hand but I can’t and the only way I can wake myself up is to open my mouth just to start the In the name of the father …
I searched about my situation and I found an online dream interpreter. They already interpreted dreams about Zombies and I found out that:
- Zombie Attacks - Zombie attacks are common in pop culture. Dreaming of one may relate to fears, anxiety and overwhelming stress. Do you feel threatened or attacked in your waking life? What is challenging you? What negative feeling or influence do you feel is challenging you and may win?
Since most concepts of zombies relate to zombies being infected by something, this can relate to being influenced or damaged by something internally. Are you fearing you will lose control of a situation or yourself? Do you feel others threaten to control your life or take away your personal power?
- Mob of Zombies - A mob of zombies can relate to powerful feelings of stress and overwhelm. Perhaps this relates to a situation that was ignored and has now gotten out of hand. This can relate to a situation in your waking life or a battle you are experiencing internally.
Mobs can often relate to all of the little stressors, fears, and irritants that collectively are becoming overwhelming and overpowering for you.
Dreams like this may indicate to the dreamer that they need a break and also need to sit with themselves and allow themselves to confront uncomfortable and unpleasant feelings and situations in order to allow themselves to resolve what is holding them back from moving forward.
I guess, these two psychological explanations explains my dream. I hope there’s no connection with a zombie apocalypse in this world because seriously, I can’t take it.