Dear future self,,,

That’s probably one of the Tumblr mainstream from years ago that I lowkey regret not doing.

Five years from now, I hope you finally achieve what you’re dreaming of.

I remember reading posts from other people with such hopeful words from their then present selves for their future selves.

Do you enjoy what you have now? Imagine, you were just dreaming of it years ago and now you’re here.

I probably might have written something that goes along those lines.

Must have been nice to read a letter from your younger self. I wonder what would I have written if I jumped into the mainstream? With my obnoxious big words to assert my then “lexical prowess”, I’m hundred percent sure I’m having a cringe fest right now.

On the contrary, it feels scary to be hit with the reality of how much your hopes for the future differ from the future. But I also wonder how it must have been to be able to differentiate your past, present and future point-of-views.

I never thought I’d regret something so trivial.

And because of that, I’m here writing for my future self.

DEAR FUTURE SELF,

I’m not sure what year you’ll be reading this but I hope that five years from now, you are different from what you are at present. I hope you’re finally able to find your purpose in life. I hope you’re able to get past all your inhibitions from doing better.

I hope five years is enough for you to find out what you truly wanted in life. And I hope life and time allowed you to do it.

Most importantly, I hope you finally realize that your existence matters. You were born with a purpose. You are not just a speck of dust.

To be honest, I’m not really sure what I meant by writing this letter. Was it because I wanted to validate your existence or I just wanted to rant about all the shit that’s happening around me and make this letter a proof that I was able to get through all of these if I get the chance to read this years from now? Probably the latter.

Nonetheless, everything we do and everything we own will eventually become artifacts in the future. This could also be one of the things the future could retrieve. I’m writing without a specific point. I’m sure this would sound like a diary entry. A Diary of A Young Healthcare Worker, am I getting copyrighted for that title?

///

You see, if I’ve written something like this five years ago when I was still a hopeful undergraduate dreaming of becoming a medical technologist… I would never imagine my current situation. Being in a pandemic as a fresh and young professional; idk, it feels unfair to me.

Did I really burn the midnight oil to become a sacrificial lamb?

Did I have to go through countless breakdown alone just to helplessly beat an invisible bug without any armor?

Did my parents really spent hundreds of thousands for my education just to become a slave of the health sector?

Was being called a modern day hero after dying because of a poor healthcare system worth it?

Was my life being at stake on a daily worth the struggle?

It took me long to finally own up being a “frontliner”. During the early part of the pandemic, I was never truly able to accept the title. It felt like an insult to those who are really in the front line if I call myself that. I used to joke I was just a “loob-liner” because I was just inside the Blood Bank. Not really a part of a Swab Team nor any COVID19 Response Team unlike some of my batchmates. I was scared. I never had the guts to volunteer. I’m not a frontliner.

I always felt the need to ask validation from my friends. I always ask if it’s okay that I don’t feel like fighting for the country. I always ask if they still accept me even if I turn against my oath.

You see, I feel like working in a government hospital in the province isn’t an ideal start for a budding professional. I was exposed to the crooked healthcare system of the country at an early time. My ideals became just ideals. Everything I expected turned into just expectations. Everything I learned in the four corners of the classroom turned into just theories. Maybe my workmates were right, I should’ve went to work in diagnostic clinics first before working in a hospital.

I was exploited as a starting professional. My four years in Medical Technology school didn’t prepare me for this.

Putting my cowardice aside, I feel like my current situation is the reason why I’m so afraid of fighting for the country. My hopeful undergrad self would have rolled her eyes on me if she’d see me right now. But then again, fighting for the country when the country doesn’t care for you is easier said than done.

I’m currently a job order employee. No hazard pay until the pandemic. No night differential even though we are full on 16 to 24 hours duties. My employer doesn’t pay for my PhilHealth nor SSS. We even have to beg for our employer to give us personal protective equipments. Our salary doesn’t have a fixed date of release. We should be thankful should it be released a week after the month of service. It’s normally delayed as long as three months before the pandemic happened.

I was never bothered by the virus because “I only work in the blood bank” no biggie… not until the hospital I work at became the ground zero in my province. No one told us. We only knew someone who should be classified as “probable” first was admitted in our hospital through social media and it was when the patient was already classified as “confirmed”. The local government likes to conceal confirmed cases. I don’t know what good will it bring to everyone though.

I originally never wanted to practice this profession, self. You know because of my internship trauma as well as my infamous phobia with needles. Just as when I was able to overcome it, this pandemic happened. I have never been so scared to go to work. It doesn’t really show on the outside but I’m really scared. Scared that everything that my parents worked so hard for would be put to waste once I contract the virus at work. Not just that, I might bring it with me at home… putting other people at stake.

It scary how there’s no assurance for my future at the moment. I was just starting!!! I was only working for a year! I was only eight months through with my St. Peter plan. I have yet to get life insurance plans for myself and my family.

I am now questioning myself for choosing my convenience over a better employer. Should I have endured being away from my family for a better employment? Had I known a pandemic would be a battle of who’s the better employer, I would’ve set aside my internship trauma for a better employer. The thought makes me sick though.

It’s scary how I am almost nonchalant about dying. I have reached this point that I don’t bother thinking about my future anymore. This is actually the first time I thought of the future in weeks. It’s scary how I always agonize about how we would die because we will one way or another. It’s only a matter of time until the system kills us before the virus can.

I’m frustrated because I only go to work for the sake of salary. But I also swear, I do things with integrity. That’s the least I can do. Due to the community quarantine, we are quite financially struggling. My mother being a government employee and my father, an overseas filipino worker plus me being a “government worker” as well automatically voided us of any financial help from the government. It’s fine for me because there are people who need it more than us but my blood boils whenever I see news of those being robbed of this help because of local officials’ greed. Do we deserve this?

Pro Deo et Patria.

For God and Country.

I used to use this as my email signature as well as work mantra.

Is it still worth it?

I don’t know who’s the real enemy anymore. The pandemic has exposed how broken our system and government is that we, the minority in government service has been seeing on a daily even before the pandemic made the exposé.

Are we going to get through this?

Am I still going to read this letter few years from now?

I’m tired.

Everyone’s tired.

The world is so crazy right now.

Fighting for life, I was a COVID19 Warrior.

Five years from now,

Was everything worth it, future self? Did I make it?

Did we make it?